Why stoop to their level?

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I’ve had a bit of a strange week this week. Some high and some low points but always times of inspiration and thoughts.

It struck me that when people tell lies to make themselves seem better than the person they are accusing they will stoop to all manner of levels to paint that person in a bad light. This is often done whilst trying to deflect any negativity that is coming there way.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

Court again

I attended court this week with regards to seeing my daughter again.  I can understand why people try and paint a picture of themselves in a positive light – afterall, I am sure we have all done it. But this was something spectacular.

Sling that mud.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

Throughout this whole process I have taken the stance that the mother of my daughter (not my abusive ex) deserves some level of respect. I refused to sling any allegations her way that would have put my daughter at risk. Furthermore, I took the approach that she was both mature and intelligent enough to try and work this out in a civilised and respectable manner. Well I was wrong on that.

I could have mentioned the fights she had had with her other daughter or her history of heavy drinking. But if I pushed that, then social services would have potentially acted heavy handedly (because that’s all they know what to do) and who knows where it might have spiralled to.

Do people choose to be ignorant?

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

It also showed how much information she claims not to have received. When my barrister spoke to her she assumed that I had been found guilty way back in August. The world and its wife knows that this was not the case.

Furthermore, the social worker involved stated in a report  that she had no concerns with me having access to my daughter. And yet she still claimed to have no knowledge of these facts.

Perspective defines an outcome

I have become a little bit philosophical about people making false accusations. There is a fine line between people believing them or not and this perspective defines an outcome. People with the most to hide have the greatest volume. Yet they continue to shout even louder when they are proven to be false.

A continual cycle

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

The mother of my daughter made a number of accusations prior to entering the courtroom. Yet when given the facts by my barrister and social worker she came up with something else in an attempt to paint a negative picture. It was a perpetual cycle of childish, spite that would have embarrassed any outsider listening in.

To cut a very long story short of lawyers going back and forth and dispelling Chinese whispers she eventually conceded and agreed to some form of contact. However, she still had to find an opportunity to have one final pathetic dig – it was almost as if it was out of principle – or within her nature.

Just a simple glance

My hearing was the last of the day (although it was booked for early afternoon) and whilst in there her solicitor made some further accusation. It was both tragic and regrettable really because not only had I held my tongue but I had an interesting glance from the court clark sat across the room.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

To put it simply, and I may be wrong, but she gave a look as if to say ‘here we go again’ and to be fair, on reflection, one of the (lay) judges also gave the same impression. Like I said, I may be wrong but these kinds of intuitions have developed over time and now I consider myself to be a veteran of court appearances (I have the scars to prove it) you kind of know when people indicate –’ here we go again’.

Just another day

I recall a conversation I had with my solicitor way back in August during my assault trial (when I was found not guilty). He said something that was both true and obvious. He stated that although for me that particular day was momentous and may live with me forever, to him I was just another client and that day was just another day.

Surely, therefore, these (lay) judges and clarks have heard and seen this kind of thing hundreds if not thousands of times before. I am positive that the same old clichés about ‘he said she said’ are the same day after day. I am sure they have heard a perpetrator (as in the case of my daughters mother who has tried to stop me seeing my daughter since the day she was born) try and make a last desperate stand to paint a loving parent as the devil incarnate. Like myself in my job they have also probably said under their breath ‘here we go again’.

Surely there cannot be more??

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

Now I know there must be an element of truth here because time after time I have had conversations with other fathers in similar situations and we have often concluded that we must be talking about the same woman. It is almost as if the term ‘abuse’ is the final trump card to use when all of the dice have been thrown. Like I have said, even when the independent social worker indicated there was no reason to withhold contact she still played the silly victim game.

Good parents don’t alienate.

When you dig deeper you find that many of these poor (and I say poor because it is not a good parent that enforces an unjustified block to another parent) parents have other children that also do not see their natural fathers. This is the case here also. She often said to me that her other daughter’s father didn’t want to know yet I know how hard faced she has been when I have tried to exercise my right to see my daughter. It does make you wonder how much of the truth she has said to paint a picture of a sorry abandoned mother.

Why not write a ransom note – it’s still kidnap?

I know that I would make the better parent. I have proven that with my other children of whom I brought up alone. At no point did I chase their mother for money or stop her in any way of having contact. Yet, the more I asked to see my daughter the more she got the CSA to harass me. As a point of reference I pay far more than is required because I know out of the money I give her a certain amount goes towards cigarettes and alcohol. Therefore, whatever is left is hopefully spent on my daughter who has been refused her right to see her father and her paternal family.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

It is a tragedy to state that for far too long certain children have been used as a revenue accumulator. I consider that it would be a good idea for those parents (mainly fathers) who financially support their children have a breakdown on where the money actually goes. I am sure, as in my case, it would make interesting reading.

Christopher Hitchens

With all of this in mind I came across a comment by Christopher Hitchens. He stated;

“Those who are determined to be offended will discover a provocation somewhere. We cannot possibly adjust enough to please the fanatics, and it is degrading to make the attempt”.

Within his quote I do see some similarities. For those people who offend and make false claims they will find something to provoke a false sympathy. And it is unwise to respond to such actions. If we are the better people it would be degrading to stoop to their desperate and dirty standards.

Staying quiet is not easy

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Why stoop to their level?

I can honestly now say that the dirty tactics have got them nowhere. I have rights to be a father and no matter how hard she tried I continued to be determined. It is unfair to suggest that not throwing muck back is easy. It isn’t. I have so much to say about her parenting style but all that would have done was to prolong any potential outcome – or at worst make contact nearly impossible.

But I have now three areas of satisfaction;

  1. I will now have regular and legally bound access to my daughter
  2. I kept my dignity and managed to get the support from a social worker (and we all know I am happy to take on social workers if they act unlawfully or I question their abilities if I see errors)
  3. The look on the faces of the court staff, and that for me was priceless.


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