It is easy to refuse to accept the fact that the one you love does not love you anymore. We all build our relationships on a foundation of hopes, dreams and desires. Over time we have built a database of shared memories and happy moments. We also made promises that felt like realistic oaths of virtue at the time of saying them.
When their love has ended you find yourself go back and forth between trying to accept what has happened and denying that it’s true. You hope that something will change or it might be a phase. Another part of you feels the need to do something. You’re not sure what, but you know you can’t just sit there and do nothing. You may refuse to accept what is happening, or deny the events as they unfold.
We have all experienced these feelings when you have either been given the news by your partner that they do not love you or you can see that it no longer exists for yourself.
Her loss, my gain
When it dawned that she did not love me I had to take a step back. I didn’t want to try and work out her thoughts or mindset. Her actions had demonstrated what she was thinking anyway. I had now seen an ugly side to her that I didn’t want to recognise in the person that I had once invested so much emotional value in.
There was no point tying to talk her around as any short term fix would result in her floating back to her new frame of mind. I realised that it would be a fallacy to attempt to get the person who didn’t not want to be with me or respect me, to love me. It would be a fraud as the true meanings of her feelings had now been made evident. I can now say that I didn’t want someone who wasn’t clever enough to see how valuable I was. Furthermore, I was no longer willing to be her emotional football or physical vent for her anger.
I can now see…
Following her final outburst, it was time to let her go completely. Her behaviour became unacceptable and I needed to regain my own dignity and respect. Especially after she had ripped it away so easily. It was time to think about everything I had known differently.
I was finally happy to accept the breakup had happened. I had been walking around blind to the obvious things around me for so long. The fact that she had stopped loving me at a very early stage became evident. Perhaps, she would say that she did love me but her version of love was not what I had come to expect. It was based on abuse and ridicule that only fed her own ego and addressed her own insecurities.
It took time for this to sink in. Only by leaving did I realise what my life had been like living in an unhappy home. Living with someone who didn’t love me had taken up so much of my energy, physically, mentally and emotionally. I was left tired and drained and it was only now I accept that I couldn’t have taken any more.
I always tried try to change the situation. Eventually, I started to accept her unreasonable behaviour and justify her abuse in the hope that she would change or accept that she was acting wrongly. I wanted to stop my feelings of sadness, betrayal and rejection. But, when I decided to let go of my feelings for her, the reality of what had been going on began to surface. I now accept that I was a victim of her viciousness but refused to identify it when we lived together.
You try and change who you are
Unreasonably, I tried to think of ways to try and win her affections. Stupidly, to gain any morsels of love or respect from her, I developed lists in my head of what I could do. I decided that I could compromise my values to meet her unacceptability even further than what I had already. Her abuse had set the goals too high for any sane person to meet, but I just didn’t see it at the time because I loved her.
I thought I would be willing to do anything, for her to love me like how I loved her. But now I can see that the abuser will take this as a signal to continue to abuse. By giving away my own freedoms of thoughts and liberties, it played straight in to her hands and she continued to kick the emotional shit out of me. The emotional, financial and psychological abuse eventually developed into sexual, thus, physical abuse. And I allowed it to happen, because I thought that this was what was needed to win her love.
Learn to have some self respect
Forget about changing for someone else, especially if they are not willing to meet you half way. Stop bargaining for what you should have without bribes. And Never change your whole life just so someone who doesn’t appreciate you and your worth to love you. Forget it! If this person does not value you and all that you are there is only one outcome that makes sense: walk away and be yourself.
Identifying my own self worth
My relationship with my ex became a learning experience. I have learnt that there are parts of me that indeed may need some improvement. But it is me who has identified these areas of my personality, not her. I have also learnt that my self-worth far out ways what she was willing to invest into the relationship. I am so glad that it is over.
For the first time in a very long time, I have been able to focus on me, and who I am. I can also see who I want to be. Not what she was trying to shape with her manipulation and abuse. I have learnt from this mistake and can now see a little bit more clearly.
When I realised the relationship was failing and that the love was only one way it was a hit to my self-esteem. It was a realisation that stung. How could I have been so stupid to have allowed things to have gone that far? When the time came, it was the right time to go. It was also the right time to stop the damaging self-assessments that I had replayed day in and day out whilst living with her.
If they stop, then you need to stop too
Stop hurting yourself with questions about what is wrong with you. You have tried and invested commitment (and everything else) to try and breathe life into something that is actually dead anyway. If they cannot be bothered then neither should you be.