Is it right to feel nothing?
I have held off from writing this particular blog. It’s not a negative one by any stretch of the imagination. But because of it’s positivity I’ve been expecting it to come crash and burning around me. But it hasn’t, and that is why I am able to write about it today.
I went to court last week. I don’t want to talk about each ‘nut and bolt’ of the hearing. But it went my way. I won and all the truths came out.
The reason I’ve held back from sharing it all is because I’ve been waiting for it to hit home a little more than it has. When the judge delivered her deliberation I actually felt nothing. Nothing at all. In response to her verdict I just said, “thank you”. I only said this because I had to give some kind of response. But even then I don’t think I meant what I said.
Was it a real victory?
I know it’s a cliché when I say this but it was a ‘hollow victory.’ Her lies were exposed like a pebble being thrown into a pond. The ripples continually echoed exposing more and more untruths throughout the hearing. What did upset me was that she got her daughter to testify and also lie on her behalf. My solicitor stated that he felt awkward exposing a 17 year old as a liar. I would never have used my children (regardless of age) to stand in a witness stand and testify. The poor child was utterly humiliated.
I arrived at the court early (I always arrive early for appointments) and waited around for a while. I met my solicitor who talked me through the case and what he planned to do. It all seemed logical to me.
However, the trial was supposed to start at 9am but was delayed until 3pm. The waiting was hard work. Almost on a level of psychological torture. I never wanted to go to court in the first place. I just wanted the relationship to be over at the earliest opportunity. It was just events that took hold and it had spiralled to the present situation that I found myself in.
So being at court was a horrible event. By delaying it I just wanted it to be over with. By the time I was called into the court room I literally ran because I wanted the whole thing to be over with. The only analogy I can give is how it must feel to be on death row. The agony of waiting must be worse than the act of execution itself. I had got to the point that regardless of the outcome I just wanted it to be over with.
It wasn’t a game – it was real life
The hearing was like a verbal tennis match. Vile things were said (on both sides) by the solicitors. Yet there were also times of humour of which seemed out of place within the formality of the court room. Glances were passed too and throw when lies were exposed and contradictions made.
Evidence was supplied on a number of factors. Whilst I sat there listening to it all I was hurt by the personal attacks made but equally relieved to have supplied the evidence required to dismiss much of what had been said. I sometimes heard myself giving a sigh at the relief that I had recorded such events of which benefited my case.
The whole hearing was a theatrical experience. There was, as stated, elements of humour and dark scenes of which any human would wince at hearing. But overall, it was a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions. There were character assassinations, repercussions and finally the murder of the old life. The only thing missing was the make-up and the applause at the end of each scene.
Numbness is an emotion
When I left the court, I can honestly say I felt nothing. I stopped for a while making sure that the feelings I was experiencing were indelible. Importantly, I didn’t want to forget this feeling. I knew I wanted to be able to recall this moment and that’s why I wanted to take a second to try and take it all in. But, like I said, I actually felt nothing. I didn’t feel victorious although I should have let the euphoria take hold. But I didn’t. In fact I couldn’t even feel the sun on my face or the breeze wafting past me. I was just aware that my feet were following the usual pattern of walking just to get me away from where I had spent the last few hours. That seemed more natural than any emotional feeling that I was not experiencing.
When I got home, I just watched TV. I thought I was concentrating on the events on TV as they unfolded. But I wasn’t. It was a soap opera of which I never follow anyway. I just felt nothing, not even hunger. Nothing at all. And this was my concern – at what point would I feel anything and when it came how would I deal with it?
The only thing I can identify as an emotion was that I felt tired about two days later. That was it. Nothing more. I’m still waiting patiently for something to happen.
But I can now reflect. Lessons have been learnt. I’ve discovered a lot about myself and how things work and develop. The value of keeping records is certainly worth mentioning. Keeping calm when the court room actors point fingers and make accusations. Dismissing lies and forgiving. I don’t hold any negative feelings for anyone. Only pity. I pity the ex for her mental disadvantages and lack of humanity, her daughter for being put through it all and her solicitor for fighting an un-winnable case.
So what next?
Well that’s it. It’s all done and over with in the formal sense. I am aware that I still have a new path to walk of which is exciting. Time and again I have said to a number of people that I am not the same person I was last year. To that effect, I am not the same person I was three months ago. But I’m more than ok with that.
My new path still needs to deal with older demons that need to be shook. Or, and this is why I have been wary – I still think there are new challenges to come. My numbness about what happened recently cannot be maintained. The anaesthetic will wear off at some point I’m sure. I just want to be ready and prepared for when the awakening happens.