When we read a gripping novel we are always keen to know what happens next. If you are a writer we are often perplexed about what to put into the next chapter.
Life has its similarities. Very often we don’t know what comes next. Even though we have some control over our lives many things happen because of consequences or actions of others.
Rolling with the punches
In my case I wanted to get some form of control back. The previous few months had been very much in the lap of the gods and I had to just roll with the events as they unfolded. Once one event had been concluded and I had brushed myself down it was then on to the next event.
As a result, starting again was the step I was striving for. I had lost my home because of a consequence of someone else’s actions. I became ill because of a culmination of events that I had not desired. And now, once the dust had started to settle life and its steps had become a little more clearer.
Can’t see the wood for all of the trees
It was only a matter of a few months ago whereby I could not see the woods for all of the trees. As a result I often (and still do) took a step back and asked myself the importance of each and every action I was going to take. For example, clearing my name was more important than considering finding a new home and so on. By doing this everything became more digestible than trying to tackle all the problems at once. This approach would have left me engulfed and certainly overwhelmed.
Looking back I can see now that the footsteps had become stepping stones that I would repeat if the past events (or something similar) ever happened again.
My first step was the realisation that something was wrong. It then led to keeping records and then everything else that followed from those moments. But what I am trying to tell you is that (and I know hindsight is a wonderful thing) even the greatest of walls that are blocking our paths can be chipped away to reveal new paths ahead.
For me, I knew I was in a relationship that was wrong. And to keep it in check I supported myself by considering how I could tackle the problems piece by piece. However, throughout all of this I knew that all the wrongs had to be corrected. Above to all I had to prove my innocents as this was the most important step to take. Once this was done everything else would fall into place. I always considered that the truth or the rightness will always shine through. But I now think this is a little naïve as I have come into contact with people who have had it a lot worse than I. And this is where perspective comes in. Although things were bad, they could always have been so much worse.
So what is my next chapter? Well taking back control gives you more options than you give yourself credit for.
Our lives can be complicated but they all boil down to simple things. For me (other people have their own priorities) it has been family, mental health, work and home. These are not in any particular order but each one has a special consideration that very often overlap.
Work has been at the forefront of my mind for a while. I have been torn between doing a job I have deeply loved but have also recognised the impact it had had on my health and family. My job left me tired and forced me to make decisions on my work life balance. Regardless of what people will say, working shifts covering seven days a week does have an impact upon family life and as a consequence, in the long term, creates issues with your health. As a result, I now know that something has to give. I am in the right frame of mind to consider finding alternative employment to now suit the new person that I now am. I don’t really want to go into the ‘what for’s’ as this has already been covered but I now realise how little value I was to the service I worked so hard for.
My biggest step was finding a new home.
A home is much more than a house. When we travel or commute we pass so many houses but each house is a home to someone. It is here that memories are made (good or bad). I do miss my old house, but it is only the construction that I miss. It was a very old house and the historian in me loves that kind of thing. But the ghosts within those walls would never leave if I had remained there. It was an unhappy house and so would never be a happy home.
For me my new home is a blank page whereby each stroke of my pen creates a mark of which can be shaped into whatever I want it to be. A new home doesn’t judge you on your past, but it wants to become a part of the family whereby it will be loved and taken care of.
When I first saw this house, I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight as I wanted to be as far away from society as I could be. I didn’t want a neighbour for as far as the eye could see. But living in the real world this would have been a difficult task to complete. But this house is rural and has a few houses dotted along its road. And that is forgivable especially as the views all around are beautiful. In the morning I am awoken by the horses playing in the field of which my bedroom over looks. But most importantly, it feels like a home. There is room for grandchildren to come and play and space for children to stay (although they are fully grown adults now).
The walks can be long with so much to find and discover along the way. But importantly, as this is a new start we are both getting used to each other’s faults (the boiler needs a PhD to work out) and I have my off days whereby I want to be embraced by its warm and comforting walls.
This really is a fantastic new beginning. With the comfort of having a new home my next steps are to tackle work and as a consequence I hope my health will improve. I think it will, because it has to. But a home is never where the heart is because so many homes can have negative memories. But a home is what you feel inside and where you feel comfortable within yourself. Whether this is a cave or a mansion a home can reflect where you want to escape to once the door is closed behind you. That probably doesn’t make sense, but my new home will not allow abuse or assaults within. It is a haven from all of those kind of things, because my experiences will never allow such nastiness to filter through these new walls.