Sexual assault by a female partner
Being sexually assaulted by your partner is perhaps the most difficult fact to admit or even share. But it happens at a greater rate than is initially expected.
There is an expectancy that men should accept any sexual advances set by a female, but this is wrong. Men who have been sexually assaulted or abused also face some additional challenges because of social attitudes and stereotypes about men and masculinity.
1 in 5 males will experience sexual abuse
Nearly 20 per cent of victims of sexual abuse are male and one in five males will experience some form of sexual abuse in their lifetimes, but these numbers could be much higher, because we only have the statistics that are reported to go on.
It has been found that 11 per cent of rapes being reported are by men. But men are also 10 times less likely to report rape.
Consequences of sexual abuse
Listed below are some of the consequences of sexual abuse. These of course are not exclusively male consequences
- Use of alcohol or other drugs.
- Suicidal thoughts and behaviour.
- Flashbacks and invasive thoughts.
- Nightmares and insomnia.
- Anxiety and fear.
- Mood swings.
- Mental health difficulties.
- Self blame.
- Difficult feelings of guilt, shame or humiliation.
- Helplessness, isolation and alienation.
- Low self–esteem, self doubt, diminished self belief.
- Difficulties with relationships and intimacy.
- Problems related to masculinity and gender identity.
No means no – regardless of gender
No means no is a statement that can be used when you turn down someone’s sexual advances, and then they try to persuade you otherwise.
Any unwanted sexual advances is wrong, uncomfortable and sickening.
The media tends to focus on unwanted attacks by men on to women, but the reverse is also a factor.
In short, it means “I said no, so BACK OFF and LEAVE ME ALONE”.
Some men feel shame believing that they should have been “strong enough” to fight off their partner. Many men who experienced an erection or ejaculation during the assault may be confused and wonder what this means. Having an ejaculation does not equate to consent. These normal physiological responses do not in any way imply that you wanted, invited, or enjoyed the assault.
My ex often forced me to have sex against my will. My objections to sex arose when I decided I wanted to leave her in October 2016. To combat her advances I would either pretend to be asleep or get drunk prior to going to bed. I sometimes used the excuse of having thrush to avoid penetrated sex with her. It was not unusual for her to hold my sexual organs against my wishes. If sex took place it was always in the dark with my eyes closed. Sex was not an enjoyable occasion with her and I acted beyond my will or consent.
My ex always blamed me for her or her behaviour and told me that all men were “bastards”. She also wished to punish me for the fact that, in her opinion, her ex (the policeman) got away with assaulting her.
Of course, I did not often recognise the signs and often made excuses for them. It is only now that I can see them for what they were. They were wrong and I deserved greater respect and dignity that I was experiencing at the time.