If you are a regular follower of my blogs you will probably have noticed that I have slowed down somewhat with my writing. Let’s be clear I’m not feeling depressed or anxious. Not even a little sad. I just feel a bit lost.
I spoke to my counsellor about this and she was right when she suggested that I don’t need to go out looking for an emotion or a reason to be emotional, it will just come (if it comes at all). But I’m still void of anything.
I’m looking forward to what the future holds and what it may bring but I feel like I’m just treading water at the moment so not actually going anywhere. In fact, I just feel a little bit lost.
I’ve changed a few things over these past few months. I know I used to bang on about the benefits of going to the gym, but I’ve stopped going and I don’t actually miss it. I read a lot more now than I did a few months ago which shows my concentration is coming back. But I was hoping that a change in routine may have offered me another perspective – but it hasn’t. Surely this can’t be right?
I spoke to someone from work the other day and I expressed how let down I felt by the lack of support I was given other than the counselling. It’s as if the mantra of not being seen equates to not being a problem exists.
In fact, I have spent the last few days looking for alternative employment. I don’t think I want to return to an industry that really doesn’t care for its staff, regardless of what it claims. So far, I’ve had one interview that went really well (still awaiting an outcome) and another one soon.
Sense of purpose
I think feeling lost reflects a lack of purpose. I know what I now want but not really sure how to go about it. I don’t want to be a paramedic anymore, that’s for sure. I would love to write for a living but it’s full of potholes and will never pay enough to meet the bills.
I have found a great relief in writing letters of complaint about certain individuals I have recently had the misfortune of coming into contact with recently. I even discovered that one of these said people had been acting illegally. So, I suppose I’ve almost become the new Poirot of Cheltenham Spa.
Am I being decadent?
Following my victory in the courtroom I decided to treat myself. So, I went out a bought a new car. I suppose I could justify it as my old one was due for renewal anyway. It’s just that it is far grander than my old one.
But even now when I look at it parked on the drive I can safely say I think I deserve it. I have been through one of the worst experiences of my life with little support from those of whom should have offered it. I now know who my friends are and where my loyalties lie. But this car is a ‘well-done you’ message to myself. And, like I said, I don’t feel bad about it.
I babysat my grandson last weekend whilst my son took his partner away. It was lovely. Really lovely. He is such a happy baby. We sat and watched TV whilst he was awake and I found myself singing to him. His little fact lit up when I sang and so I continued. I felt a bit guilty really that I had not seen him as much as I could have other these past few months. But it was nice to have the time to reflect and enjoy the moments I had with him.
I suppose this was the only time I’ve had any form of emotion or feeling. I was proud to change his nappy and make his bottles. I enjoyed feeding him and watching him happily drink his milk. It was just a nice period of time that went far too quickly.
I’m not writing this to spout any kind of philosophy or deep meaning thoughts. I am writing this to get some kind of grip or understanding about what is going on. I’m not looking for an emotion yet, even after all of this time, I still feel absolutely nothing. I’m not angry, although I am somewhat disappointed with a few people. I’m not sad. In fact it’s the dead opposite, I’m looking forward to things changing. I’m not even bored as I have so much to do. I’m just a little bit lost as to how to feel. Surely by now I should have some form of daily structure?