The freedom to choose my own clothes

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The new taste of freedom

I discovered the taste of individuality and freedom yesterday. This was a big step to take. To many people reading this my revelation may be an anti climax. But yesterday I bought some burgundy trousers.

So why is this a big step?

Well firstly, whilst looking I had a feeling of guilt that I was buying something for myself. It was unusual not to ask permission to purchase something for myself. Although I have earned good money, buying things for myself required a series of steps prior to have acceptance thrust upon me.

Secondly, my new trousers are burgundy. I was always expected to wear more sombre colours that fitted with her perception of what I should wear. Yes, I had a feeling of guilt whilst wearing them today. But equally I thought ‘well done me’.

I was;

  • Wearing something I had picked myself

This was empowering. I didn’t have someone looking over my shoulder giving a list of reasons why her decisions far outweighed my own.

  • Unusual colour beyond black, blue or grey

It was a colour I would never have dreamt of wearing a matter of weeks ago. I was so used to wearing what she liked. Burgundy trousers would have been considered rebellious against her conservative choices for me. She thought she was right and right she had to be.

She may have been right but her ability to take away my power of choice was wrong.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression The freedom to choose my own clothes
Red trousers.

A slow take over process

I never asked her why she chose what I wore or purchased. It became a slow ‘take over’ process whereby (if I recall) I would ask her opinion on what I was wearing. It eventually became an assumption that this was her responsibility to ensure I dressed to her requirements. As a result it became a position where I was not allowed to decide unless she chose for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I think I dress well. Quite dapper in fact, but it was only yesterday I realised it was another area of my life she had control over.

This recovery process is actually a period of rediscovering myself and who I am.

The difference between an opinion and abusive behaviour

Her control over me limited my personal freedom and freedom of choice There’s a fine line between expressing an opinion and requiring a person to act or do certain things. Telling the difference between an opinion and abusive behaviour might seem easy, but it can be difficult to interpret.

Clothes reflect mood

 

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