My ex has been arrested

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I usually pride myself on my use of words, but I have sat hovering over this keyboard for a while now.

It’s not that I have nothing to say, the complete opposite in fact, it’s just that I can’t quite get the words to fit with what it is I’m going to say.

My ex-partner has been arrested today. There you go, I’ve said it. Seven simple words but they are words that are massive and potentially life changing.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression My ex has been arrested

Invite to the police station

Following my complaint to the police with regards to my treatment I was offered an appointment at Worcester Police station. Obviously, this gave me time to ponder and consider my potential actions. I know what it is like to be arrested and questioned. Furthermore, I can appreciate what it is like to sit in a cell counting the scratches on the door and wonder what will happen next. But with this I am also aware of what it is like to do all of this when you are innocent of the crime you have been charged for.

Dilemma

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression My ex has been arrested

And this was my dilemma. I know how awful it is and I would never want anyone I know to go through this. But on consideration my ex-partner never once gave this a thought although she had a record of abuse and false allegations.

I hadn’t set out the rules, I just played by them.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression My ex has been arrested

Ideally, I wanted this to stop but where had the line in the sand been drawn? I hadn’t set out the rules I just abided by them and she dictated that I should get arrested because I had had enough of living under her regime. I had experienced abuse in various forms, theft and psychological distress. I had also had to defend my good character in the face of false allegations. This is enough for anyone to endure. So why can’t a guilty person also face up to their actions and reap the seeds that they had sown?

Two options

At the police station I was given two options.

Firstly, I could drop it all and consider it done and dusted. However, this would therefore, allow her to act in the way she had become accustomed too and not be answerable for her actions. She clearly had a history of hating men dating back to her first husband. But she was wrong to consider every man is the same. Perhaps having to explain her actions may entitle her to therapy of which she dearly needs.

Secondly, I was offered a full investigation with potential prosecution. As stated above I gave my reasonings and opted for the latter. Should I have not taken this option then everything to date would have been in vein. Furthermore, her next potential victim may not be as lucky or mentally sufficient to deal with the consequences of dating such an evil woman.

Process

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression My ex has been arrested

The process to far longer than I had envisaged. Initially I thought it may have taken a couple of hours but the whole process took just over four hours.

During this time I was asked about historical events leading upto the arrest in May. They then questioned things such as the relationship itself and what had happened behind closed doors. It was difficult to discuss certain factors but the conversation was open, frank and at times explicit.

Where are the men?

During the conversation an area of concern was raised. The female police officer stated that in her 13 years on the job I was the second male to come forward stating that they had been abused by their female partner. I consider this to be a shocking statistic especially the amount of times I, as a paramedic, have seen male victims within my line of duty. This statistic also reinforced my fact that men are reluctant to come forward. In essence, the fact isn’t recognised because men dismiss it. For things to change it must be down to men to point the finger when the case arises.

Support

Initially, there were two police officers. As stated I was being interviewed by a female officer but in the corner sat another (male) officer. It transpires that this said officer was connected to the domestic abuse unit. He introduced himself and stated that I certainly had a case for support and would be happy to offer this to me.

The support offered was related to counselling and group discussions. Obviously I raised my concerns that I had some issue with being potentially the only male in a room full of abused females. He categorically stated that these groups were tailored to male victims. I was disappointed that this had not been offered from the outset. In effect, the door had been slammed after the horse had bolted. But equally I was not going to look a gift horse in the mouth and was pleased to state that I would be delighted to receive any support they had to offer.

The importance of keeping a record

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression My ex has been arrested
Reporting everything

As stated, the whole process took just over four hours with a majority of this spent writing my statement. And here is where I need to make myself explicitly clear. My record of events were essential. Much of what I had said was copy and pasted and letters that were endorsed by my employers were invaluable. Within those letters were dates and a comprehensive explanation of what had happened. I also provided photographic evidence with texts etc. let me hereby state, if I had none of this I would have been found possibly guilty at my trial and this present set of circumstances would have been he said/she said. But here I was with firm and irrefutable recorded evidence.

Feel nothing (again)

I can’t honestly say I feel anything. I don’t feel vindicated or liberated. Furthermore, it is certainly not a victory of my ex-partner. We all have ex’s and some break-ups have been easier than others. But I would have been happy to have walked away several months ago without any consequence or ill feeling. But she had set these wheels in motion and to prove my innocents I had to highlight her failings. It wasn’t and isn’t nice but had become a necessity

I suppose I can now confirm that the events are far from over but I feel a certain sense of warmth that I have at last been listened to. It’s just a deep shame that it had to be done this way.

10 Replies to “My ex has been arrested”

  1. CONGRATS!!!! OMG! how I wish I could reblog this on my site. I just got done posting a four-part series on sex abuse, harassment, power, rape, human trafficking etc…
    I even referred to your case (No name mentioned), but duly noted that men suffer abuse as well as women.
    I am so very happy for you!!!!

    1. Thank you Beckie
      I have learnt so much. I have learnt how evil and wicked people can be to each other. Sometimes I wish I could step off this world.
      I’ve followed your blogs and it’s harrowing what humans endure.
      I am currently compiling my book about the subject as I have so much to say and I hope, offer.
      I am by far a different man. Damaged but deeply in love the people who matter.
      It is no celebration on a personal level but I am happy that I have defended the truth and raised the issue of domestic abuse not only to women but men as well. It breaks my heart to wonder what goes on behind closed doors when there are so many of us out there who are willing to hold their hand and say “it’s ok, it ends now”. But for so many any step is often too big a step to take.

  2. I am a male going through the very same thing. I was arrested, put in a cell over night and interviewed. I have been under a male abuse therapist for nearly twelve months even before being arrested. I was the victim for two months until the tables were turned and I was accused of being the perpatrator just because I came home telling my partner the progress I was making which in turn exposed her behaviour unknown to me making her react. I have made an official cpmplaint to the cps and have filed my own police complaint which is on hold until my case next year, should it go ahead. I was thumped three times the day she left and I was arrested! Accused of a list as long as your arm, the best being, I watched a tv programs and had learnt how to kill and dispose of bodies! (old 70/ 80’s mystery suspense program) My life is in ruins, I am suffering anxiety and depression. I have since learnt her illnes to be BPD. I read many cases on FB and have learnt a lot, but to much to late. I promised never to tell anyone and once the covert is exposed, no one believes you and is why so many men keep quite. I go to an open meeting with my therrapist and getting men to come to the open groups is impossible as they are ashamed to declare their situation, just as I was. I hope I get to prove my innocence for my own sanity.

    1. My word, there are so many simularities with what you have said and what had happened to me.

      Have you been able to keep a record of these events? I would also suggest taking photographs of any bruises and inform you GP.

      When I spoke to the police they wanted as much medical evidence as possible. Unfortunatly, I didn’t really keep my GP up to date but I now know that this is an important step to take.

      The police are pretty poor at supporting men but equally men are poor at reporting it.

      Let me know how you get on and if you want any advice or need support let me know.

      Regards

      1. Hi, Thanks for the support, it is good to know I am not alone! It has been a difficult journey. The house is sorted after 11 months of litigation by my ex at a cost of 10k when we were not even married. My therapist said it is a way of continued control. I still have the court case which most seem to think will be dismissed, I am not so sure as you say, so few men come forward. I made a complaint to the police and in the interview it was a female who, until I became more assertive did not take me seriously. I am self employed and up to a while ago was very confident but now, with the anxiety I can hardly make myself leave the house. Loosing friends you have had for 25 years hurts thanks to someone smearing your life behind your back with fake stories and have been in your life less than half of the people you thought were genuine friends. Within my business individuald have written notaries for me having experienced her behaviour, photos, video and statements from friends all help. It does not make for a proven case just because I have loads of evidence compared to her entering a police station and saying he hit me and the police seeing a woman and saying ‘we believe you’. Compared to men not coming forward makes it hard to be believed. The therapist has difficulty keeping up the open meetings as not enough men attend even though they have a long list of men on their books. I have made it clear to my doctor and luckily as I said, I was already seeing a therapist due to her behaviour two months before anything was exposed and I was the victim. I did not know what the problem was prior to therapy and once I did everything fell in to place for me but it was to late. Thanks for the response and any help or advise is gladly accepted in my atempt to clear my name. I am begining to feel nervous as the court case is looming in January. I am waiting for the CPS to respond in the meantime.

        1. Hello
          Although people have suggested that the court case will go well it doesn’t remove the stresses and strains associated with it all.
          The officer who interviewed me initially was a female and I think this is where most of the problems stemmed from. She seemed to have had the attitude that as a women complained about a man, the man must therefore, be guilty. No one within their right mind would have taken this further but either she or the police in general had set their own agendas.
          On reflection this whole process has sorted out who your real friends are. The irony is that during all of this I have made some new and fantastic friends. Furthermore, I would suggest not to have too much faith in family. My father showed his true colours and let me down massively. But at least I know where to put my priorities in the future.
          Please read and re-read my story and share it as far and wide as you need to.
          Where are you geographically?

          1. Hi again! If you put my name above your response to mine you would think it was written by me! When I was interviewed the next day, bearing in mind I was already under the mental health umbrella having already gone to my doctor. There was a female police officer who was terrible and did not believe anything I said. I obtained my interview on disc and it is terrible to watch. When I said they had it wrong and it was me being abused they just laughed compared to my size etc and made various comments. You are right when it comes to friends and family support. I have had better support of strangers and as you say made better friends along the way. I have good and bad days and see constant reminders where ever you look. As my therapist said it is like being brainwashed. I live in Cornwall

          2. Hello
            It’s crazy that you say that. Domestic abuse has so many common denominators, yet men are still ashamed to admit it.
            I don’t know if you had or are reading my previous blogs but I took on the authorities and managed to obtain apologies (for your ease I have attached the links below), in fact one person was sacked because I had discovered that he had acted outside his remit, and was therefore, illegal. Although I would never want anyone to lose their job it goes to show that authorities have corrupt individuals running the system. It is only a great shame that the errors are addressed when the real victim highlights it.
            When I was charged I said to the desk sergeant that if I was a woman I wouldn’t be standing there. His reply was interesting as although he said nothing he did in fact nod his head in agreement. This goes to show the known inequalities are still allowed to persist.
            I will never promise you that the days get better. You just learn to deal with the problems better. As it stands at the moment you are utterly overwhelmed by it all but you have to fight if you know you have been wronged. I know it is easy for me to say but I have been there but I am still tending to my wounds that will probably never heal. I suppose that is the price we have to pay to learn. But, let me be clear, it has not made me anti woman because I know that there are good and bad on both sides. It’s just as men we don’t tend to share or shout about our experiences.
            I see you live in Cornwall. I moved to Gloucestershire after leaving the abusive home. New county should bring a new start.

            http://www.keithsstory.co.uk/complaint/
            http://www.keithsstory.co.uk/responsibility/

          3. Your last response nearly brings tears to my eyes as it is just like a carbon copy of my situation. I have indeed read your blogs and it gave me some hope to know others like us are out there. Just like you, previous to anything you were just an ordinary guy with an ordinary life with no conviction. Here I am now on bail for nearly twelve months with a cloud still hanging. Like you I have filed complaints against the police and CPS, on hold until after my case. I feel regardless of which direction it goes, a closed shop response will appear from no where protecting the authorities. My arresting/interviewing officer was a female and took the same approach as yours. I admire your time spent on your page highlighting your/our plight to be proven innocent. Just as you see the father’s that make the headlines creating groups for family cases and children access, even making the national news dressed in superman outfits, we hide behind the scenes never to be believed. I feel so strongly I wish there was the ability to bring other individuals like us in to the open to stand together. I watched an article on the BBC news about female abuse a few months ago and emailed the BBC immediately saying ‘what about the men being abused by women’. Obviuosly I only received a standard response that was not followed up. I do not hold up much hope of ever bringing our plight in to the open. Just as your arresting male officer nodded to your comment, my solicitor said in his office 50/50, get to the police station and the same values become 80/20. Your comment to keep records as I did too was even seen by my own barrister as overkill. Spending weeks gathering evidence is so important. It is an uphill struggle and as you say it is overwhelming. Having good and bad days for no reason, anxiety controlling your movements, jumping when your phone receives a message, continually questioning yourself and the list goes on. I read the CPS procedure on the .gov site and it makes interesting reading if they were to follow their own protocol. It is a shame you are not closer as I think you are like me and not afraid to talk or show your situation. For others who are not, it is the whole reason we are where we are – Not believed!

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