What is the difference between depression and feeling down?
There is a clear difference between depression and feeling down. To put it simply depression is physically painful and swallows you whole. But men are so bad at admitting that they have depression
I was never really one to share my feelings or emotions with anyone and this became a problem within itself. I found it difficult to share what was going on and even more difficult to admit that I felt a failure and was a victim of my female partner. It was often found that I was justifying her actions and felt that in some way I deserved what I got. I was made to feel grateful that she was questioning everything I did or challenging my thoughts and feelings.
How did it feel to see no way out?
During my relationship with my ex I felt as if I had a bag over my head. I could not see where I was going or what was happening and I just could not breath.
Following my encounter with the police I quickly learnt that everything I believed to be true, was clear nonsense. As previously stated, I was always led to believe that the police were there to protect us from harm. Yet when I needed their help the were far from helpful. As a result my long lack of trust was further cemented. I hated the world I was living in and hated what I knew to be true. Life became physically painful and it was a real effort to do the simplest of things like getting up or eating.
You can understand when people say that living is more painful than dying.
Having depression is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself
— Brandon (@InsaneWhiteKid) June 27, 2017
Bad habits become a way of life
It took a while to realise that the cause of my problems were no longer present in my life. Yet, I still had the habits of feeling that I needed to tell someone where I was or what I was doing. I had fear of going home, not knowing what to expect as I walked through the door and being verbally and emotionally abused. It also took a while to realise that her allegation of assault (spitting) had no foundation or evidence and was based on sheer spite as she found out I intended to leave her.
It has changed me
Of course, the recent events have and will change my perception of the world around me. I’ve considered a new career. I’m tempted to just disappear and starting again somewhere else. I’ve considered so much but why should I run when I’m the victim? Yet, I’ve been suspended from work, I can’t see my daughter and I’ve lost my home. Would this have happened if I had been female? I very much doubt it and the proof is in the status quo of my ex.
I still don’t think I’m anywhere near full recovery and I expect to find myself falling again once all of this is over. But I’m more prepared for it this time.
— EH Depression (@depression) April 12, 2016