The End

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression The End

The End

For an end to have an existence it must be the conclusion of something. The end of the day must have had a morning, and a death must have had a birth. Even the greatest oak trees started from a small acorn. But if I am to discuss the end of my story we must be aware of where it started. At the beginning of my first book (Silent Story) I made the unassuming comment that when I woke on that one Sunday morning, little did I know the night before that the world of which I once recognised would no longer exist by lunch time the following day.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression The End

History Paths

Both the ancient Greeks and Romans believed that history was on a linier path and not circular. To put this simply, day to day experiences were independent of each other and they were of no consequence to what had happened before. By todays standards we are fully aware that events are indeed a consequence of events and actions that had happened before hand. If we think about the terrorist attacks that happened on 11th September 2001 they were not just an idea plucked out of thin air. There was a history attached to the ideology behind it all. The attacks took planning and logistics. These events were nearly identical to the 1605 terrorist plans associated with the gun powder plot to blow up the king and Parliament. Both plans were based on a religious, philosophical and the need to spread fear in the name of terror. Although the topic is not about terrorism both events shook the world so much that promises were made to learn and react and yet, the same events unfolded with 400 years apart.

Words

The journey associated with history is littered with events that are either not new or indeed repeated. Time after time I have witnessed great speakers talk about the events before, during and after the Jewish holocaust in the 20th century. And yet, each time these people speak they talk about learning from the past and avoiding the horrors that had happened before. However, in our own lifetimes we have seen ethnic cleansing, mass genocide and victimisations of minority groups repeated time after time all within the space of a few years. Therefore, you can argue that it is okay to study history but why bother if nothing has been learnt or heeded from these events. Therefore, it could be argued that the study of history is nothing more than a high brow soap opera with the obligatory bad character battling the good – and there are countless examples throughout time to give here.

Journey

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression The End

When I reflect upon my journey following my abuse and life time struggles with depression it becomes clear that the peaks and troths, the bends and dips were and all part of the recovery. Yet like the impatient child seated in the back of the car it is inevitable that I will ask “are we there yet?” By giving the seated child analogy it is not the journey they dislike it is the arrival at the destination they are impatiently seeking.

Throughout my time struggling to get answers and seeking explanations, I have peered through the windows to discover cover-ups, uncomfortable apologies backed up with nothing more than formally typed letters, stereotypical conclusions, narrow minded protocols, systematic failures and ignorance by public bodies. I have discovered that the journey has not been pleasant but highly educational. The journey has shown me that although there are a lot of errors and faults in supporting male victims of domestic abuse and support for people with depression there is no impetus or encouragement to change. The David and Goliath struggles are far too big to tackle when those holding the cards are so deeply infused with narrow minded ignorance that change appears almost impossible.

Fear the truth

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression The End

Over several months I have read and watched both recent and historical events of minorities who have suffered at the hands of the authorities. I have concluded by finding two facts. Firstly, as quoted by Socrates, “When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the losers” and secondly, People start to ridicule because they fear the truth. In both cases the fight to expose the truth is over shadowed by the fight to maintain your dignity in the face of hostility. In so many cases it has been the case that the bringer of facts has had to fight organisations such as the police, both criminal and family law courts, social services and so on. In every case I have attempted to raise the truth I have been stopped by convenient red tape, systematic protocols, and institutional ignorance that suits the blinkered stand-point of which they wish to operate by.

A lack of interest

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression The End

Having now reached the end of the journey the car park looks very dull indeed. The dystopian future is filled with dread for our sons (and in part, daughters). In the twenty-first century we still lack the medical support for depression and above all the lack of interest or concern for male victims of domestic abuse. I have found that the future seems utterly disinterested in offering equal support for men who live with the daily horrors of a violent partner (whether heterosexual or not) or the rising numbers of men taking their own lives. There appears to be a complete lack of interest when men are discharged from hospitals following assaults to ensure they have a safe place to go home to. There is an utter lack of interest from the police who attend male victims who call out for help following the utter embarrassment to admit that they are victims. Social services and family law courts still and will forever favour the mothers over good and caring fathers.

A dystopian future

The real pain rests with the fact that no matter how hard a few voices have shouted out that enough is enough, absolutely nothing has changed in my life time. We can only conclude by stating that male lives just do not matter. Men are replaceable, expendable and unequal in the eyes of the law and in the role of a husband, father, brother or son. And this is where my argument holds so much importance because every wife, mother, sister or daughter has a male counterpart of which feels the same pains as them. It will be hard to bring up our sons telling them not to bother being in a relationship because the breakdown can and would destroy their lives. Or tell our fathers that they might as well put that rope around their necks because nothing will be done should you choose otherwise. This, as stated, is the dystopian future and my journey to this point has shown no impetus or need for change.

The end

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression The End

However, I suppose that by concluding my work I have discovered that there are so many other men out there that have experienced what I have. It has brought me great comfort to know that by telling my story I have been able to be open and frank about my experiences. I am certainly wiser about the system and how it does not practice what it preaches. At the time of writing this I am still awaiting support from a police domestic abuse support officer two years after raising my concerns.

I suppose I can now see that I am stronger than I originally gave myself credit for. I have learnt that to survive the nightmare conditions I had found myself in, recovery must and does start from within. I have found that people who suffer with depression are often the kindest and (ironically) the happiest people you could know. Furthermore, having a dependency on an agency doing the right thing is a fallacy. But here lies the irony, by accepting these newly found facts and adjusting my stance to how society should respond I am now in such a better place. My happiness is genuine and my knowledge is stronger. So I suppose by concluding my work I would like to finish with two quotes from my favourite (and often misunderstood) philosopher, Friedrich Nietzche (1844 – 1900)

Insanity in individuals is rare – but in groups, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

And finally

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

 

Blood sports

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Blood sports

I don’t know much about TV around the world but in the UK we have a chat show whereby certain sections of society visit a TV studio and are mocked and ridiculed in front of a live audience about everyday things.  For any educated eye the viewer can tell that these people are clearly below the educational norm.

Lust for blood

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Blood sports

I have found it fascinating that society seems to do such awful things in the name of sport or entertainment. If we look at entertainment throughout the ages there has always been an us and them attitude. During the 18th century it was considered as entertainment to watch the mentally inflicted of whom were chained to walls and spend time ridiculing them. It was also considered a sport to watch defenceless animals get torn to pieces by dogs. Yet, and I have had this conversation before, blood sports such as fox hunting is acceptable as it is a higher social class of sport unlike bear-baiting of which was considered as a working-class pastime.

Possible equal outcomes

In my eyes a game of any sport should be levelled on an equal footing. I don’t follow football (or soccer for my American readers) but we attend sporting events as there is a 50/50 outcome. It excites us as we can either feel elated at a positive outcome – and perhaps take great comfort in our competitor’s failures. Or we could loose with the idea and thoughts that we could do better next time. I suppose this is the closest thing we could consider as modern-day tribalism. Our teams’ success is our success and the teams failure is our failure too.

Opium for the masses

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Blood sports

Sport is an opium for the masses. What good or purpose is kicking a ball around a pitch to get it into a net. Or for that matter why would anyone actually choose to watch curling, when it looks like glorified mopping on a sheet of ice. George Orwell once stated that “serious sport is war minus the shooting”. But the need for a gory end has ensured that boxing has remained and rugby triumphs as a sport for ‘men’. Oliver Cromwell when referring to a cheering crowd in 1654 said “the people would be just as noisy if they were going to see me hanged.”

Time after time I have heard people condemn and criticise such entertainments, but these TV shows draw in large numbers of viewers. For example, the Jeremy Kyle show aired its 1000th episode on the 1st March 2010 with daily viewing figures of 1.5 million. On 24 September 2007, a Manchester District Judge, Alan Berg, was sentencing a man who headbutted his love rival while appearing on the show. Judge Berg was reported as saying: “I have had the misfortune, very recently, of watching The Jeremy Kyle Show. It seems to me that the purpose of this show is to affect a morbid and depressing display of dysfunctional people whose lives are in turmoil”, and that it was “a plain disgrace which goes under the guise of entertainment”. He described it as “human bear-baiting” and added that “it should not surprise anyone that these people, some of whom have limited intellects, become aggressive with each other. This type of incident is exactly what the producers want. These self-righteous individuals should be in the dock with you. They pretend there is some kind of virtue in putting out a show like this.”

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Blood sports

Hero worship

But, like the talk show entertainment I mentioned earlier, and the brutality associated with contact sports, it is carefully orchestrated, condoned and encouraged by society unknowingly. Our fascination for violence dressed as entertainment goes back centuries. Roman gladiators would be hero worshipped like over paid footballers today and it was estimated that arenas dedicated to death drew in an estimated 80,000 people every day to each arena.

Going to court is the same as being thrown to the lions

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Blood sports

Like the witnesses at a gladiatorial death or screaming fans at a football stadium it is perceived as okay to scream all manner of obscenities that we would not normally allow outside of the arena. Yet, the irony is that it is allowed to happen in one of the highest offices within the country. The arena of the courtroom has allowed the destruction of careers, families and lives. Unlike the football match where there is a 50/50 chance of a successful outcome the British legal system is like the gladiatorial games where an unarmed victim is thrown to the lions. This lust for blood has fed into the psych of the Jeremy Kyle audience and the courtrooms where those who shout the loudest get the greatest plaudits.

The one who has made the most outlandish statements do not need to defend themselves. It is the weak (because of the gender stereotypes that associate certain behaviours with certain sexes) who are left defenceless in the constant onslaught of attacks in the courtroom by using the constant unproven trump card associated with abuse, masculinity, fatherhood etc.

Profits over people

But this blood sport is allowed to continue is profitable. Like the Alehouses where dog fighting was permitted, the landlord would operate a system whereby he would profit. The legal system establishes a system whereby the defence is attacked and supported with unfounded allegations. Furthermore, the attacks are supported and encouraged by social workers and the police. Ultimately, the defendant has to endure the torment and attacks before rolling over and passing away with the state supported carnage.

Win/win everytime

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Blood sports

As previously stated, George Orwell said “serious sport is war minus the shooting”. The arena of the courtroom is a war minus the bullets. Either way, there is a looser. But the irony sits with the fact that it is a constant win/win situation for the mother in the family court and the false accuser in a criminal court. In my situation my final defensive blow came from the magistrate who stated that there was absolutely no evidence to support her false claim. Yet the police were hellbent on a blood spill. Unreasonably it was my blood they were after.

Because I said so…

Unfortunately, I have seen this blood sport played out again and again in the family courts. A good father who has played a positive role model and offered unconditional warmth and love to his child is dismissed, thrown out and blocked from access to his children on the vicious, evil and malicious allegations of the mother who only needs to make one statement; “he is not a nice man” for the games to begin.

Lets (never) see that again from another angle

Unlike the end of the football match whereby the fans can go home and watch the re-runs. The legal arena makes the victims go home and never to wish to have a re-run of those experiences. Yet, there is always the same winners of whom know how to play the games although unfairly. Like the Gladiator who may have had to fight with unsuitable equipment or with a disadvantage of having an arm tied the disability of being a male ensures that men will never be on the winning side. The legal system is not an equal playing field, but the rewards offered to the winner is always at the cost of the human dignity of the falsely accused or the previously fit father who does not fit into the role expected or required of the embittered mother.

 

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Blood sports

If sport encourages the hatred of another, the present court system allows the destruction of a defendant based on unproven allegations in both criminal and family courts. We are outraged if we discover a sportsman has taken an unfair advantage to falsely win. But unfair advantages are made in the courts.If the rules of the games are to change then the language used also needs looking at. Just because a woman states she is a victim does not always equate to that being the case. And just because it is a male in the dock does not associate with him being an abuser or the violent partner in a failed relationship.

 

More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

The recent opportunities given to me to spend time researching has opened many educational, philosophical and social pathways.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

I am often amazed to discover facts that seem to pass us by without us either knowing or wanting to know. But today, I came across a revelation that got me thinking. I discovered that more people die each year from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts.

By their own hands

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

The Centre for Disease Control (CDC)‘Suicide in the United States’ (2000) found that more people die by their own hand than are killed by others. In fact, by their own statistics there were 1.7 times more suicides than homicides.

Furthermore, in the UK the Office for National Statistics (Non-fatal suicidal behaviour [March 2002]) showed that nearly one in six adults had considered suicide at some point in their lives. The study also found that over 4% of people between 16 and 74 had attempted suicide.

Biggest cause of death for 15-35 year olds

The World health Organisation (WHO) have discovered that suicide rates have grown by 60% worldwide in the past 45 years. With the statistic provided by WHO who state that in 2000 alone 1 million people died from suicide it is now the biggest cause of death among people aged 15 to 35 worldwide.

Not just a western problem

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

Furthermore, it is not just a Western problem as I have heard mentioned so many times before. Former Soviet states such as Belarus, Kazakhstan, Latvia and Lithuania have all showed alarming rates of suicide. Also areas such as Uganda and Pakistan have shown a marked increase in people showing ‘depressive disorders’ and suicide (N. Hussain et al. ‘Depression and social stress in Pakistan’ (2000). Psychological Medicine).

Early records

I have also heard it said that depression is a modern phenomenon based on the rise of leisure time. However, again I have found a contradiction to this so-called fact. Depression was once referred to as ‘melancholia’ and the earliest records of such a condition can be found back in the 5th century BC. Philosophers such as Hippocrates and Arateus both described symptoms that sound all too familiar with what we would now describe as ‘depression’. Arateus described melancholia as ‘…the patients become dull or stern, dejected or unreasonably torpid… they also became peeving, dispirited and start up from a disturbed sleep’ (Matthews ‘How did pre-twentieth century theories of the aetiology of depression develop’).

Doubled

Since 1950 suicide rates in men aged 45 or under in England and Wales have doubled. I consider that a change in family circles and a rising lack of security in work may have contributed to this. Could it also be worth considering that there is a rise in drug and alcohol use since the 1950s?

Men and women

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

As a paramedic I can argue with the fact that more women attempt suicide but more men likely to fulfil their actions. This has also been supported by The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) ‘Suicide in the United States’ (2000). In fact, CDC have made it known that males are more than four times as likely to die than their female counterparts. Yet as we know, men are less likely to admit to depression and so it can difficult to diagnose. And here, in my opinion, rests the connection. I would suggest that as a result of men not seeking help they are more likely to turn to alcohol or drugs and perhaps, as in my own case, work longer hours.

Elderly

Another shocking fact that I found out was that the elderly are at the highest risk of all. In fact, according to www.suicidology.org white men over the age of 85 are at the highest risk of all with a suicide risk more than six times that of the general population.  But what, in my opinion, is a truly sad fact is that only a small percentage (two to four percent) have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Time and again, I have witnessed our older generation being dismissed as ‘just getting older’ rather than seeking true and professional treatment.

Global burden

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

For those of you who dismiss the idea of ever having or will ever have depression it is time to wake up. It has been predicted by WHO that by 2020 depression will be the second largest contributor to the global burden of disease. And by then . there will be 1.5 million deaths per year by suicide (quoted in ‘Stigma Ties’ Guardian 11 September 2002).

In my opinion these facts show a serious public health risk. Although I have noticed recent attempts to bring depression to the fore front of peoples minds there still carries a stigma. There is also a question on how public health bodies should tackle what is, in effect, an individuals choice. If a person has made a rational choice to die (say after being diagnosed with a terminal illness) then how can society justify in intervening?

Tools of the trade

I fully accept that the state and public health bodies are always operating within the ‘best interest’ policy. When the UK moved away from supplying household gas from lethal coke gas to a less toxic form, the suicide rates dropped. Yet in the US it is estimated that there are some 200 million firearms in private hands, yet it is the only country in the world where self-inflicted shootings is the most common method of suicide (A. Solomon, The Noonday Demon’ [2001]). Would it not, therefore, be a sensible idea that to take away the means to make an impulsive decisions, then suicide levels may drop?

Stigma

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression More people die from suicide than in all of the worlds conflicts

I believe that the crucial question rests with the fact that there needs to be a move away from the stigma associated with mental illness. In England alone, 5000 people killed themselves in 2010, yet only 1,200 had sought help or had had contact with the mental health services prior to their deaths (www.ohn.gov.uk).

I conclude with the on-going debate that more needs to be done. Time and again I have found that, even with the best of intentions, medical staff still struggle to find the best provisions for emergency mental health patients. As I have stated, this problem isn’t going away and it appears to be increasing at an alarming rate. We, or our loved ones could, may and perhaps will be a victim of this disease therefore, it is everyone’s problem.

Published (nearly)

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Published (nearly)

I very much doubt that you would remember but on the 23rd October 2017, I wrote a blog questioning whether I should publish my story or not (to publish or not to publish).

Initially, way back in June 2017 I started to write because there was nothing out there that fitted my needs or to offer advice I was seeking etc. I still stand by the fact that I fully believe that it was perhaps the best thing I had ever done. Furthermore, it has also given other people (both men and women) the impetus to write and share their experiences too. That must also be seen as a positive outcome.

Change in focus

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Published (nearly)

I am fully aware that my writing has changed and that my focus of anger and disappointment has somewhat changed. But I make no apology for this because, as I later found out, this is all a part of the recovery process.

I also stand by the argument I made several months ago that I have learnt that if you have a principle that you believe to be right, then it is worth fighting for.

Anyway, as usual I am waffling.

After researching the writers market, I have eventually found a publisher. It must be stressed that it is a bit of a minefield out there when it comes to getting a book published.

As expected there were firms who offered me the publishing world for a rather large fee. Of course, it is a bit of a gamble for everyone concerned but like I have said, if you feel it is something you believe in then it is worth sticking it out. This is a book of importance (okay I accept that this is my view) but so many other people have said it too. So why should I stump up massive costs first? Anyway, that’s a whole different story.

Are there anymore writers?

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Published (nearly)

Following my choice to write and discuss events and outcomes I have discovered other people all over the world expressing the same things. But prior to this I could not find anything to help me with my struggles or choices. Indeed, it is fair to say that there are books out there, but they are either from a female perspective or they only covered one area that I was discussing. But my main problem was that there was absolutely nothing written for a British market.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with foreign books, but I needed a relevance to the state and society I live and work in. So, I wrote my own and now I have a publisher who is interested.

Still work to do

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Published (nearly)

I am under no illusion that much of what I have written will need to be re-written or even merged with other things but the content will remain the same. Yet, I want to tell the reader what it is like to be a male victim of domestic abuse and the consequential mental struggles. Also, I want the reader to know what it is like to be assumed guilty before being given the opportunity to clear your own name. But this is not happening in a backward country. It is happening in every street and every town in a so called ‘civilised’ society where people consider themselves to be equal in law and protected by the state.

Alas my story is not rare. It’s not even a hidden story but the struggles continue for so many other people. It’s just that I have had the opportunity and ability to tell mine.

I am aware that there will need to be work done to make the book more palatable for a reading audience. But I’m okay with that. My readers are my customers in effect, but my story can’t be diluted. It’s just my story and I am looking forward to getting it heard even more.

 

 

 

A Happy Goodbye to 2017.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression A Happy Goodbye to 2017.

I recall a conversation many years ago whilst studying for my A levels. During this conversation we were discussing a psychology experiment that had a long-term effect upon the patient. This particular patient had been brought up to believe the opposite of what was indeed fact. For example, this child (we shall call her ‘XY’) was told that black is white and visa-versa. Unfortunately, I just cannot recall the name of this experiment, but the eventual outcome was that XY ultimately killed herself in her early adulthood. But what was even more tragic was that XY was the daughter of the man carrying out the experiment.

Comparison

Okay, so what has this got to do with the dawning of a new year? Well the comparison is very similar to the last few years and in particular the year I have just bid a farewell to.

…Enemy of the State

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression A Happy Goodbye to 2017.

We are all growing and adapting to the changes and developments around us in one way or another. Like XY you assume the world around you is how it is because we have been led to believe that this is so. If we marry this thought process with the famous quote by Josef Goebbels stating the value of a lie we can probably understand better.

“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.”

An untruth is not just a story

For me I have spent the majority of 2017 realising fact from fiction. Perhaps fiction is too weak a word because fiction in this sense is an untruth and not just a story. The facts were there for show and did not suit the purpose of which they had been created for. 2017 has exposed that the English Legal System is corrupt and innocents does not secure your rightful freedom. 2017 has also opened the casket of recognising that men also suffer with depression as recent television documentaries have shown willing to touch upon such subjects.

It has often been said that there is a book within each of us and 2017 has been that story for me. The start of 2017 was a slight discomfort culminating into a rush of events leading from other events. Yet who would have thought that twelve months later I would be sitting here analysing what the last year had been like? For many it is another year but for me it has been a revelation.

Equality is not an equal

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression A Happy Goodbye to 2017.

Like child XY I had been led to believe over so many years that the democratic and liberal society I was born and raised in does not actually exist. What else was there to learn? I learnt that as a male victim I did not have the same rights or protection as my female equivalent. Yet, even as a victim I was not afforded the same consideration, protection and, as I found out the same equality in law.

You can’t polish it but it can be rolled in glitter

Perhaps 2018 will afford me greater riches on knowledge. I am more aware now that the streets that I walk and the thoughts that I have are no longer the same as they were before. I have confidence in saying that male victims are at a disadvantage. It doesn’t make it right, but I am not fooled by the ‘smoke and mirrors’ that have been created by the authorities to paint a picture that doesn’t resemble the facts as they are.

The issues associated with mental health have also had a clean sweep. I have managed to stand tall and inwardly scream that it is okay. I have come to accept that the reality of having depression is as real as the size of my feet or the colour of my eyes. They are what they are and I am who I am. And for people to accept these factors I need to accept them within myself. For once, 2017 has allowed this to happen. And it’s good, it works well.

A new broom sweeps clean

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression A Happy Goodbye to 2017.

I suppose that the start of a new year can sweep away old thoughts of what I perceived to be right. I am certainly stronger in the knowledge that if any victim of abuse or depression approached me I could afford to give them the knowledge that 2017 gave me. And although the facts are far from pretty the strength I have gained from it could make anyone cope. 2017 has given me new friends with the same backgrounds and experiences that I had endured. And these are good friends I would not have met otherwise.

I have also learnt to pick and choose who I want in my life and this factor will last into 2018 and no doubt, beyond. So yes, 2018 is going to be a better year. Because it has to be.

Resolutions not revolutions

 

I’ve never been one to make new years resolutions as I am fully aware that the changing of a date should never come with unrealistic or (perhaps) unobtainable goals. But, whilst I reflect I think I had made plans for 2018 way back in May when everything I knew had turned on its head.

So if we recall child XY. We have both had a realisation that things were not so. I am also sure that child XY also attempted to gain some form of perspective. And alas, death became inevitable. Child XY took her own life in a terrible and tragic way. But for me the demise of 2017 has created a funeral pyre of false realities, unrealistic expectations and fake beliefs. But I am actually okay with this because whatever outcome or result that 2018 will bring I know it has been my own efforts that have achieved them – it has not been done with the support of (a lack of) male refuges or (the lack of) police support and help. I have also accepted that there is nothing offensive about taking medication.

Knowledge is strength (regardless of what it is)

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression A Happy Goodbye to 2017.

So what am I saying to you, the reader? Well regardless of how 2017 has been I am sure that it has educated you into finding a new element about yourself – whether good or bad. Any form of learning has to be seen as positive. 2018 will ensure (I hope) that we will have learnt from those mistakes we had made, said or done.

So yes, I wish you all a happy new year. I hope that 2018 will furnish you with a better understanding thus making you a better person.

With kind thoughts and best wishes to you all

 

 

 

 

Next Chapter, New Beginnings

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Next Chapter, New Beginnings

When we read a gripping novel we are always keen to know what happens next. If you are a writer we are often perplexed about what to put into the next chapter.

Life has its similarities. Very often we don’t know what comes next. Even though we have some control over our lives many things happen because of consequences or actions of others.

Rolling with the punches

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Next Chapter, New Beginnings

In my case I wanted to get some form of control back. The previous few months had been very much in the lap of the gods and I had to just roll with the events as they unfolded. Once one event had been concluded and I had brushed myself down it was then on to the next event.

As a result, starting again was the step I was striving for. I had lost my home because of a consequence of someone else’s actions. I became ill because of a culmination of events that I had not desired. And now, once the dust had started to settle life and its steps had become a little more clearer.

Can’t see the wood for all of the trees

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Next Chapter, New Beginnings

It was only a matter of a few months ago whereby I could not see the woods for all of the trees. As a result I often (and still do) took a step back and asked myself the importance of each and every action I was going to take. For example, clearing my name was more important than considering finding a new home and so on. By doing this everything became more digestible than trying to tackle all the problems at once. This approach would have left me engulfed and certainly overwhelmed.

Stepping stones

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Next Chapter, New Beginnings

Looking back I can see now that the footsteps had become stepping stones that I would repeat if the past events (or something similar) ever happened again.

My first step was the realisation that something was wrong. It then led to keeping records and then everything else that followed from those moments. But what I am trying to tell you is that (and I know hindsight is a wonderful thing) even the greatest of walls that are blocking our paths can be chipped away to reveal new paths ahead.

For me, I knew I was in a relationship that was wrong. And to keep it in check I supported myself by considering how I could tackle the problems piece by piece. However, throughout all of this I knew that all the wrongs had to be corrected. Above to all I had to prove my innocents as this was the most important step to take. Once this was done everything else would fall into place. I always considered that the truth or the rightness will always shine through. But I now think this is a little naïve as I have come into contact with people who have had it a lot worse than I. And this is where perspective comes in. Although things were bad, they could always have been so much worse.

New chapter

So what is my next chapter? Well taking back control gives you more options than you give yourself credit for.

Our lives can be complicated but they all boil down to simple things. For me (other people have their own priorities) it has been family, mental health, work and home. These are not in any particular order but each one has a special consideration that very often overlap.

Work has been at the forefront of my mind for a while. I have been torn between doing a job I have deeply loved but have also recognised the impact it had had on my health and family. My job left me tired and forced me to make decisions on my work life balance. Regardless of what people will say, working shifts covering seven days a week does have an impact upon family life and as a consequence, in the long term, creates issues with your health. As a result, I now know that something has to give. I am in the right frame of mind to consider finding alternative employment to now suit the new person that I now am. I don’t really want to go into the ‘what for’s’ as this has already been covered but I now realise how little value I was to the service I worked so hard for.

New home

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Next Chapter, New Beginnings
New home

My biggest step was finding a new home.

A home is much more than a house. When we travel or commute we pass so many houses but each house is a home to someone. It is here that memories are made (good or bad). I do miss my old house, but it is only the construction that I miss. It was a very old house and the historian in me loves that kind of thing. But the ghosts within those walls would never leave if I had remained there. It was an unhappy house and so would never be a happy home.

For me my new home is a blank page whereby each stroke of my pen creates a mark of which can be shaped into whatever I want it to be.  A new home doesn’t judge you on your past, but it wants to become a part of the family whereby it will be loved and taken care of.

Neighbours

When I first saw this house, I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight as I wanted to be as far away from society as I could be. I didn’t want a neighbour for as far as the eye could see. But living in the real world this would have been a difficult task to complete. But this house is rural and has a few houses dotted along its road. And that is forgivable especially as the views all around are beautiful. In the morning I am awoken by the horses playing in the field of which my bedroom over looks. But most importantly, it feels like a home. There is room for grandchildren to come and play and space for children to stay (although they are fully grown adults now).

The walks can be long with so much to find and discover along the way. But importantly, as this is a new start we are both getting used to each other’s faults (the boiler needs a PhD to work out) and I have my off days whereby I want to be embraced by its warm and comforting walls.

Fantastic

This really is a fantastic new beginning. With the comfort of having a new home my next steps are to tackle work and as a consequence I hope my health will improve. I think it will, because it has to. But a home is never where the heart is because so many homes can have negative memories. But a home is what you feel inside and where you feel comfortable within yourself. Whether this is a cave or a mansion a home can reflect where you want to escape to once the door is closed behind you. That probably doesn’t make sense, but my new home will not allow abuse or assaults within. It is a haven from all of those kind of things, because my experiences will never allow such nastiness to filter through these new walls.

Psychology of Dressing Well

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Psychology of Dressing Well

I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on events and what I have discovered is that I hate to use the word ‘journey’, it’s just too cliché.  What I have gone through is a list of experiences that have got me from A to B. This description of events is far better that calling it a journey.

I was looking through some of my recent blogs and I came across a comment that someone had sent about not being comfortable about going out. Together with this I also read an article about rebuilding a shattered life and not being able to go out.

Now, don’t get me wrong but I’m not claiming to be an expert on this matter but I can only reflect and share my own experiences.

Long lasting conversation

I recall a conversation I once heard as a kid whilst travelling on a bus. During this said conversation, some girls were talking about the importance of dressing nice (mainly when they went out) and this has stuck with me ever since.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Psychology of Dressing Well

As a result, I once put this into practice the first time I went to buy a brand new car. I once walked into the show room purposely wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt. The result was that I was ignored. A week or so later I entered the same show room wearing a suit, shirt and tie. As a consequence, I had more people offering me assistance than I could shake a stick at.

So what does this prove?

 

Well, we have all heard the line ‘clothes maketh the man’. This is so true. We are judged by what we wear or the accents we use. They draw a stereotype which may often be wrong but it is first impressions that count. I must admit that although I am aware of this pitfall I still do it. I’m not going to make any apology for it as it is a form of unconscious defence.

So how does this fit in with not feeling well?

This was a direct question out to me once and I had to think long and heard about how I was going to answer this. Put simply, if you feel good you start to, well, feel better about yourself. Dressing nicely is the first step to building self-confidence because people do judge you. If you are treated with respect you tend to gain and give respect.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Psychology of Dressing Well

To explain this better I have had many pyjama days whereby I have not bothered to get dressed. As a result, the lazy attitude led to lazy actions. I probably didn’t brush my teeth until 3pm that afternoon and undoubtedly, I probably ate rubbish that day resulting in me viewing that day as a lost day whereby nothing was achieved.

First impressions

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Psychology of Dressing Well

I can consider that dressing well promotes a good first impression. When you wear an ensemble, you tend to carry yourself in a more confident way, because you know you look good, hence, you feel good. The way you dress is also a unique way of expressing yourself, and therefore allows people to get a sense of who you are. To hell with people who perhaps don’t understand your style or message. This is about you feeling yourself again.

But how you are perceived by others before you open your mouth depends mostly on the physical signals you send with your appearance.

Appearances matter in real and fundamental ways that affect a person’s daily life – from how they are greeted when meeting others for the first time to whether or not they’ll be harassed whilst traveling.

All dressed up and nowhere to go

However, being all dressed up and having nowhere to go is not such a bad thing after all. The task of choosing an outfit with matching accessories can fill a good bit of time. But it goes back to that conversation I once heard on the bus as a kid. If you dress nice, you feel nice. It’s like slipping into a freshly made clean bed. We all know how good it feels but it is difficult to describe.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Psychology of Dressing Well

But this is the same thing. Putting on a nicely pressed clean shirt feels more rewarding than putting on the t-shirt you found sitting at the bottom of the bed. Or wearing a suit that you had forgotten you had got (because it only comes out on certain occasions) because it makes you feel confident.

One of the first pieces of advice I have found in self-help books is almost always something along the lines of “Get Your Personal Appearance Under Control!”  It’s good advice.  People tend to perform better in life when they feel that they deserve to perform better.  The automatic assumption that a well-dressed person should be treated with respect works when it’s your reflection in the mirror, too.

A few minutes spent spiffing yourself in the mirror before you leave home reinforces the idea that you deserve success and good treatment in your own mind. ‘Just because’ is no longer an option. The game has now moved to ‘I am this and so I deserve this (in a positive fashion).

What have you got to lose if you don’t have the courage or desire to go out?

Spend a day dressing nicely around your own home. I know of some women that will never want to be seen unless they are wearing make-up. Well each to their own but it’s a good start. Having a standard is nothing to worry about or fear. It shows that you want to be seen a particular light and depression stops you having this desire. In effect, if you dress well you should also feel well (although this may take some time).

Over many years I have heard women explain the feelings they get after a hairdo or having their nails done. I suppose I get the same feeling when my facial hair sits how I want it to or if my shoes match my trousers.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Psychology of Dressing Well

As I see it once you start feeling good about yourself everything should follow. Such as dressing nice and then having the courage to go for a walk around the block. Perhaps this could lead to dressing nice and going into town for a coffee. Who knows where it could potentially lead to but you never see a well-dressed person and think ‘victim’.

I can say that for me this worked. Feeling nice is a pre-requisite to anything if you are on the road to recovery. Feeling and looking nice gives you a value that cannot be given but it is something that you find yourself building on.

Have a look at:

https://www.riskology.co/dress-well/

100 Things That Happen To You When You Start Dressing Well

 

Regrets

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Regrets

Regrets. It’s such a simple word that holds so many meanings but it appears to be a word of self-reflection.

I consider that most regrets stem from the things we didn’t do, rather than the things we did do. Regardless of the life we’ve lived, whether we struggled with addiction, depression or have had a substantial amount of time in recovery, it turns out that most people regret the same things.

I think people who have been through what we have been through or how we have felt will always be hard on ourselves. Often, I have found myself saying “I wish I hadn’t” or “if only” and so on. But like so many of us I’m sure we acted with the right intentions at that specific point in our lives.

I could have done so much better

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Regrets

As a father, I wish I could have done better but I could only do what I could with the resources available or with the opportunities I had. As a partner I could, it feels, only fire fight by trying to keep things under control.

I’m sure many of us know the feeling of trying to spin plates by keeping everything in some form of order whilst dealing with outside issues. It’s difficult but it doesn’t require regrets. It actually requires stamina and we all get tired at some point.

Of course, on reflection I regret having found myself in that relationship but let’s be clear. No one comes with a label. Furthermore, no one sets out to say, ‘let’s give it a go although it may end up being the worst experience of my life’.

If we all did that I wonder what kind of world we would live in. We may never venture out of the house in case we get run over. We might not get dressed in case our clothes clash or match someone in the office.

Values

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Regrets

I briefly touched upon this train of thought in This Is My Advice, when I mentioned Nietzsche. His philosophy has stuck with me since I first read him many years ago. He devised the idea that we need to have bad experiences to appreciate the good. As a result, I have now learnt to embrace these regrets although I don’t want to go out and find myself repeating them.

We only seem to have regrets when we are reminded of what we have been through. There are times I regret not telling certain people what I thought of them. But the reality is that either someone else will tell them at some point. Or, they may be so up their own backside that whatever I may have said would not have penetrated their thick skulls anyway. Some people may call it karma I just call it time. All good things come to those who wait.

Pointless exercises

As a student many years ago, I was often told to reflect on things I had seen, done or experienced. I found this whole concept a complete waste of time as I considered that if I was doing my best at that specific moment how could I consider improving.

But I’m going to give this idea a new, more logical explanation. If I found myself in a similar situation would I handle things differently? What if I had different opportunities at that specific moment, would I still take those chances? Have I changed my views on things?

Where was the opportunity?

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Regrets

The reality however, is not as rosy as the romantic idea of everything being in its place. To explain this better I consider that many things are actually out of our control. If there had been better support for men in these situations then I may have had more opportunities available to me. If the police were more proactive with complaints then issues may have been resolved better. If the person was more willing to comprehend what I was telling her then she may have addressed her own failings. We will just never know because those options were not available at that moment (and may never be).

My regret is that I think I had too much faith in a failing system rather than finding myself in that position in the first place.

Reactive over proactive

I have spoken to a few people about regrets but the common denominator is based around reaction rather than being pro-action. Time and time again we may have forgiven or developed an explanation for other people’s actions (I know I have) but it is important not to judge everyone by the nasty experiences we have had by one person.

Of course, I now recognise the signs better and I am now in a position to question my first thoughts. But I have no regrets about my experiences. I only have regrets for other people or other agencies. I regret that there is no greater support but that’s not my fault. I regret not divulging more information (but when I did very few differences were made). Ultimately, I regret having too much faith in a system that did not work. But what is most frustrating is that the system doesn’t want to improve because it does not see (conveniently) its own failings.

Different strokes for different folks

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Regrets

Following my experiences, I have uncovered fake people. But equally I have also met and spoken to some of the most amazing people that I would never have had the opportunity to speak to otherwise. So a regret seems to have its own rewards. I am also equally happy not to forgive other people for their actions – pity is much more appropriate (see my blog on; forgiveness – why should you?)

Yes, I do regret many things. I regret things from my childhood but I was too young to have dealt with it at that moment. I regret telling my children off about certain things, but they have grown into fantastic people. I regret being in an abusive relationship but I have learnt self-worth and what is right from wrong. Surely these must be positive outcomes from poor experiences.

No regrets just lessons learnt

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Regrets

I have read that an abuser is never sorry.  Do they ever have regrets about people that they’ve damaged or hurt?  Even if they won’t admit it to other people do they feel sorry for the way they treated other people? I very much doubt it.

But I refuse to carry the burden of regret for people who do not see the errors of their own ways. Why should we? Life is and can be difficult as it is without trying to explain and justify your actions when dealing with a situation that you had not intended to find yourself in.

 

Is Feeling Nothing An Emotion? – Court Hearing

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Is Feeling Nothing An Emotion? - Court Hearing

Is it right to feel nothing?

I have held off from writing this particular blog. It’s not a negative one by any stretch of the imagination. But because of it’s positivity I’ve been expecting it to come crash and burning around me. But it hasn’t, and that is why I am able to write about it today.

Court hearing

I went to court last week. I don’t want to talk about each ‘nut and bolt’ of the hearing. But it went my way. I won and all the truths came out.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Is Feeling Nothing An Emotion? - Court Hearing

The reason I’ve held back from sharing it all is because I’ve been waiting for it to hit home a little more than it has. When the judge delivered her deliberation I actually felt nothing. Nothing at all. In response to her verdict I just said, “thank you”. I only said this because I had to give some kind of response. But even then I don’t think I meant what I said.

Was it a real victory?

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Is Feeling Nothing An Emotion? - Court Hearing

I know it’s a cliché when I say this but it was a ‘hollow victory.’ Her lies were exposed like a pebble being thrown into a pond. The ripples continually echoed exposing more and more untruths throughout the hearing. What did upset me was that she got her daughter to testify and also lie on her behalf. My solicitor stated that he felt awkward exposing a 17 year old as a liar. I would never have used my children (regardless of age) to stand in a witness stand and testify. The poor child was utterly humiliated.

I arrived at the court early (I always arrive early for appointments) and waited around for a while. I met my solicitor who talked me through the case and what he planned to do. It all seemed logical to me.

Delay

However, the trial was supposed to start at 9am but was delayed until 3pm. The waiting was hard work. Almost on a level of psychological torture. I never wanted to go to court in the first place. I just wanted the relationship to be over at the earliest opportunity. It was just events that took hold and it had spiralled to the present situation that I found myself in.

So being at court was a horrible event. By delaying it I just wanted it to be over with. By the time I was called into the court room I literally ran because I wanted the whole thing to be over with. The only analogy I can give is how it must feel to be on death row. The agony of waiting must be worse than the act of execution itself. I had got to the point that regardless of the outcome I just wanted it to be over with.

It wasn’t a game – it was real life

The hearing was like a verbal tennis match. Vile things were said (on both sides) by the solicitors. Yet there were also times of humour of which seemed out of place within the formality of the court room. Glances were passed too and throw when lies were exposed and contradictions made.

Evidence was supplied on a number of factors. Whilst I sat there listening to it all I was hurt by the personal attacks made but equally relieved to have supplied the evidence required to dismiss much of what had been said. I sometimes heard myself giving a sigh at the relief that I had recorded such events of which benefited my case.

Theatrical plays

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Is Feeling Nothing An Emotion? - Court Hearing

The whole hearing was a theatrical experience. There was, as stated, elements of humour and dark scenes of which any human would wince at hearing. But overall, it was a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions. There were character assassinations, repercussions and finally the murder of the old life. The only thing missing was the make-up and the applause at the end of each scene.

Numbness is an emotion

When I left the court, I can honestly say I felt nothing. I stopped for a while making sure that the feelings I was experiencing were indelible. Importantly, I didn’t want to forget this feeling. I knew I wanted to be able to recall this moment and that’s why I wanted to take a second to try and take it all in. But, like I said, I actually felt nothing. I didn’t feel victorious although I should have let the euphoria take hold. But I didn’t. In fact I couldn’t even feel the sun on my face or the breeze wafting past me. I was just aware that my feet were following the usual pattern of walking just to get me away from where I had spent the last few hours. That seemed more natural than any emotional feeling that I was not experiencing.

When I got home, I just watched TV. I thought I was concentrating on the events on TV as they unfolded. But I wasn’t. It was a soap opera of which I never follow anyway. I just felt nothing, not even hunger. Nothing at all. And this was my concern – at what point would I feel anything and when it came how would I deal with it?

The only thing I can identify as an emotion was that I felt tired about two days later. That was it. Nothing more. I’m still waiting patiently for something to happen.

Reflection

But I can now reflect. Lessons have been learnt. I’ve discovered a lot about myself and how things work and develop. The value of keeping records is certainly worth mentioning. Keeping calm when the court room actors point fingers and make accusations. Dismissing lies and forgiving. I don’t hold any negative feelings for anyone. Only pity. I pity the ex for her mental disadvantages and lack of humanity, her daughter for being put through it all and her solicitor for fighting an un-winnable case.

So what next?

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Is Feeling Nothing An Emotion? - Court Hearing

Well that’s it. It’s all done and over with in the formal sense. I am aware that I still have a new path to walk of which is exciting. Time and again I have said to a number of people that I am not the same person I was last year. To that effect, I am not the same person I was three months ago. But I’m more than ok with that.

My new path still needs to deal with older demons that need to be shook. Or, and this is why I have been wary – I still think there are new challenges to come. My numbness about what happened recently cannot be maintained. The anaesthetic will wear off at some point I’m sure. I just want to be ready and prepared for when the awakening happens.

What It Feels Like To Want To Die

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression What It Feels Like To Want To Die

It wasn’t really a request that has drawn me to my keyboard today but a series of conversations that I have either been a part of or that has recently come to my attention.

Having been open about a range of thoughts and feelings I was asked to explain how it feels when depression becomes too much. How does the mind work?

This is massive step to take but I’m going to put this into words. I have contemplated suicide on a number of occasions. Now don’t judge me because I don’t want that. But I’m telling you this because I want to tell you how ‘ending it all’ becomes a logical conclusion in a complicated mind. I want the reader to know how easy suicide can become. But, equally, I want those left behind to be able to work out the mind of that person who has gone.

There is never a single reason

There is never only one reason that people take their lives. Like our lives, things can be complicated or difficult, and therefore very few people talk about it once the decision has been made. These people don’t want to justify or explain their ‘logical’ conclusions. Especially when they run the risk of being talked out of it.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression What It Feels Like To Want To Die

The appeal of suicide is loss of consciousness, and thus the end of psychological pain being experienced. For suicidal people, that leaves only three ways to escape this painful self-awareness: drugs, sleep and death. And of these, only death, nature’s great anaesthesia, offers a permanent fix.

Conversation

During a conversation I had with someone last week, I went into great detail of it all. I didn’t hold back. We discussed the planning, the build-up and then the act itself. What I wanted to emphasise was the fact that when the decision has finally been made a great feeling of relief becomes apparent. The verdict has been made and all other alternatives don’t fit the space in which everything fits. Nothing makes sense anymore other than the drive to finish with life.

Planning

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression What It Feels Like To Want To Die

Even the grim, tedious details of organizing the act of suicide can offer a welcome reprieve. When preparing, the victim can finally cease to worry about the future, as there is no future. The past, too, has ceased to matter, for it is nearly ended and will no longer cause grief, worry, or anxiety. And the imminence of death may help focus the mind on the immediate present.

Signs

It is not at all apparent that those at risk of suicide are always aware that they are in fact suicidal, at least in the earliest stages. However, signs begin to manifest and show when the plans have been developed.

Firstly, they may appear at ease. In fact, they may even seem jovial.  They are happy with the decision that has been made and a conclusion to their miseries are now within reaching distance.

Secondly, plans are made and things are given away. During my time as a paramedic I came across a number of victims who had spent the previous week or so tidying up the house or paying off debts. In some cases they may have given things away. But in every suicide I came into contact with, a letter was always found.

Letters

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression What It Feels Like To Want To Die

One well-known “suicidologist,” Edwin Shneidman, once wrote that, “Our best route to understanding suicide is not through the study of the structure of the brain, nor the study of social statistics, nor the study of mental diseases, but directly through the study of human emotions described in plain English, in the words of the suicidal person.”

When I have read suicide notes I have often found that the deceased has tried to reach out after death or try to justify their actions. The notes can be simplistic but a great deal of thought has gone into these words (good or bad). But for them, these words are the most important they have ever committed to paper. And so, because of the rush or the path they have taken it can sometimes paint a picture of a confused and complicated mind.

Everything in its place

From all of this one can conclude that a plan has been made. In my case I too had made a plan. But it is easy. It is easy for the victim at this stage because it is the right thing to do. There are no complications following death. Bills are paid. People have the things you wanted them to have and it is all done with ease.

The mind has been made up and as the ‘time’ rushes towards the victim the relief is more and more tangible. In essence, any troubled mind has a feeling of clarity (probably for the first time in a long time) and everything makes sense because there is a final, logical conclusion.

I cannot think of a single genuine suicide case whereby it has been done to spite anyone left behind. In fact, it is the opposite. A depressive feels like a burden to everyone around them. By ending it all will not only end the victims suffering, but they feel they will no longer be a problem to anyone else left behind.

Taking control for the first time

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression What It Feels Like To Want To Die

For the victim this planning is beneficial. It is better to do this than die suddenly with no plans or provisions made for the ones left behind. The victim will never understand the feeling of loss for those of whom are left behind. They only see their own conclusions and the control they now have over what is going to happen. You see this is the problem with mental illness – there is no control. It takes over and suicide gives ownership back to the victim. This may be the first time they have had control over themselves in a long time – and it feels good.

What is logical?

I’m not claiming any of this makes sense. We are reading this with our own set values and understanding. But to the victim, their views and conclusions are equally valued in their own eyes. In fact the relatives who are left behind may scream it is illogical to do these things – but these are the patterns that suicidal people generally follow.

In fact, you may be able to pin point the actions identified. If you do I hope it bring solace to know that they did it in a state of peace, of which they had not felt for a long time.

In considering people’s motivations for killing themselves, it is essential to recognize that most suicides are driven by a flash flood of strong emotions and feelings. It is not rational, philosophical thoughts in which the pros and cons are considered.  The final act of suicide as an escape from themselves.

It will never make true sense to those left behind.

There you have it. I have shared it all in its gory details. I suspect for a few people it has been uncomfortable reading, but you have taken a glimpse into a mind that has been prepared to end it all on their terms.

It’s not nice for the victim or for those left behind but it is a reality. People will kill themselves for whatever reason but for the victim it all makes sense. Their pain is at an end and that is what they wanted.

For me, I have learnt a lot. It’s not about science because science hasn’t stopped people killing themselves. I think it’s all about perspective. It’s how we see things. In a previous blog I wrote that by killing yourself it might be an own goal. I might have missed the best years to come. But for those in this situation that statement would never make sense.