Living after your relationship breakdown

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The only long term relationship is with yourself

The reality is this; all of the nice things have gone. In fact they probably stopped ages ago and it is only now that you realise this. You have probably lived in hope that things will work out and everything will be fine. But the truth is, things are going to be pretty difficult for a while.

If any of you are going through the same thing, I promise that it’s not the end of the world.

It’s easy to just want to watch TV all day after a difficult breakup. But don’t forget that for you to feel better, you have to move on with your life (KEEPING MYSELF BUSY). Start with small goals first. This is a great time to keep your mind occupied with productive things.

Below are some things you can do to help yourself cope and heal. I’ve tried and tested these for myself and they do help. But you must realise that you need to work at your own pace and not that set by others.

Have time to grieve.

You may feel that what has happened is “worst possible thing that can ever happen.” You may feel that this is an accurate description of how you feel right now. It’s really like all the butterflies died and you feel like you’re being stabbed over and over again and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

I felt I was confused and in denial at what she had done to me. It felt like there was this hole inside of me that was never going to be filled again. I couldn’t believe that the person who once told me things like “I love you” and “Don’t leave me”. She was now the same person telling me she “wishes I was dead” or “I will destroy you at the earliest opportunity”.

I was left feeling weak and broken. I could not eat properly and I had to result to sleeping pills to get some sleep. Sleeping was often plagued by nightmares and flashbacks of what went on behind closed doors. Every little thing seemed to remind me of her from songs to smells and so on.

If you find yourself in the same situation, know that it’s okay to feel the pain. It is inevitable, unavoidable and necessary. No one’s stopping you and it’s better to do so than repress (especially if you are a male – we are well known for this), because you might end up exploding one day and the implications will be worse.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Living after your relationship breakdown
stages of grief

Don’t rush things and let time pass. You’ll eventually get exhausted and run out of tears before you even realize it.

Don’t let the breakup consume you.

My greatest mistake was that I let it consume me for far long than it should have. It is okay to feel the hurt and bitterness, but you have to remember to pick yourself up every time. Don’t let it get the best of you.

I found that writing everything down (including this blog) and attending the gym helped me to recover (possibly quicker than doing nothing about it).

Stop blaming yourself.

It’s not your fault. You had offered them every opportunity to change their ways but their hatred was so deeply ingrained there was nothing more you could do than protect yourself from them. There’s no use dwelling over the things you could have or should have done to save it.

If you continually fought to keep it alive, then you should be proud of yourself. But equally proud that you have now found the strength to walk away. Bear in mind that if the other person isn’t willing to compromise or work it out anymore then there’s no point in staying.

Keith's Story - Male Victim of Domestic Abuse & Depression Living after your relationship breakdown
Toxic relationships, nice people, destroying, personaility

Distance yourself from them.

Rose tinted glasses are fake. They show you falsehoods. I strongly advise that it is best to cut all sorts of contact with them after the breakup. She was the source of all my difficulties and once I had left I wanted to be as far away as possible from her.  You must never text them, call them or even stalk them online. She has now become a stranger and will he be able answers the questions of which you feel you are entitled to. She will never admit what she had done was wrong. Why should she when she was able to convince everyone that I was at fault.

It’s okay to be angry

There are various stages of guilt. There will come a point when anger and hatred will replace what was once pain, and it will leave you exhausted. You will wonder how vile and inhumane they became.  You will be thinking “How could she do this?” Don’t let the anger get the best of you. A lot of people who’ve gone through breakups say that one day you’ll wake up and just not care anymore. Wouldn’t it be nice to just feel nothing for the person rather than hate him for a long time? Remember: the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.

Try looking on the bright side.

I know it’s always easier said than done, but there’s always a silver lining in every grey cloud. The breakup will be a blessing in disguise. The fact remains that you cannot make someone love you who doesn’t.

Make time for your family and friends who love you unconditionally. Join more organizations, focus on your goals, and make new plans for the future. I have found completely new enjoyment by visiting the library or walking around a supermarket. It sounds simple but that’s all I want, the simple things. I have reflect back on all the things that I used to enjoy doing prior to meeting my ex and I intend to start doing them again!

Love yourself enough to know that you deserve better.

Your ex who just broke you wasn’t the best. You deserve stability; someone who won’t ever take it out on you when things get difficult. You deserve decency at all times. Everyone should to be treated right. We are owed, respect and compassion; otherwise it isn’t love at all.

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